Hi all, just wondering if anyone can relate to this...

I have a 9 year old son, lovely child, normal and lovely realtionship with him since day one, he's never had a tantrum, all good. He's close to both myself and my husband, not really a preference for either, so very balanced.

I also have a 3 and a half year old daughter. At 10 months old she started showing a preference for her dad and over the next few months she took daddies girl to the extreme, literally seemed to hate me and it hasn't really changed since. She throws tantrums with me, she won't let me comfort her if she hurts herself, she all but ignores me, even glares at me, she won't show me affection except on very rare occassions and if I attempt to cuddle her she brushes my hand off or walks off or says no...she occassionly will just say "I hate you" to me or "I don't want you" and if she's angry she will hit and kick me...she will nastily say to me "get me a drink" and if I don't do it immediately she will hit and scream at me...she wouldn't dream of being like that with her dad, it's all angelic smiles for him...she just doesn't like me and I don't know why! With my husband she's engaging, fun, she loves affection with him and gives him tons of hugs and kisses, she rarely throws tantrums with him and overall her behaviour is a million times better with him...when people come over I wonder if they notice that she has nothing to do with me! It's been going on for so long now that I feel like I've lost her, it's almost like she's not my child, I'm just someone she tolerates who is there all the time (I'm a stay at home mum, have been since my first child). Obviously having had a normal relationship with my first child, this is really baffling to me, I can't think what I've done that makes my daughter this way with me and to see how she is with my husband is heartbreaking 'cos I love her so much and want her to be like that with me. I don't talk about this with anyone, I'm too embarrassed to really tell anyone just how much she rejects me...obviously my husband is aware of it but even he doesn't witness or know about the full extent of her behaviour towards me, I keep it to myself and cry about it in secret. I test it sometimes, like when my husband is out of the room I will attempt to brush her hair and she will literally pull away from my touch and won't let me do it, so then my husband walks in and I'll say "can you brush her hair please", then I'll watch her stand there, happily letting him spend ages brushing her hair and it's like a stab in the heart...I do everything I can as a parent, same as I did for my son and I'm still a nobody to my daughter, just someone she doesn't like much...she doesn't even notice if I leave the room and when I did have to go away for 2 days to visit my parents, when I got back she ignored me, didn't want a hug or anything...I thought this might be a phase but since 10 months to not far off 4 years old there's been no improvement...if dad's not around she'll ask her big brother before coming to me, I'm her last resort with everything. I think is she didn't have to, she'd never come to me for anything. I'm at the point where I can't wait for her to start full time school so I get that break from her in the day - it's soul destroying to care for someone all day who doesn't want to know you, it's a relief when I'm not around her...just don't know what to do any more. I tell her I love her and she doesn't answer.

I know when I had my first child, if someone else had told me this about their child I wouldn't have understood it because everything was normal with him or at leasst as you'd expect things to be - I never thought or imagined I'd have a child and have it not like me!!?? I love both my children so much, I just wish my daughter would love me like my son has always done, that there was more balance, that it wasn't all daddy, daddy, daddy...just putting it out there to see if anyone can relate...thanks in advance for any responses.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you but it sounds like you're going through an awful time.

I sort of know what you mean as DD takes a slight preference to me but only because I'm the primary care-giver, she still loves and adores her dad (my DH)

I would suggest your case is quite extreme and probably calls for professional help. Maybe start by organising a meeting with your chn or your GP. There could be un underlying behavioural issue or health issue (like Austism?) or something that needs to be dealt with and maybe then your daughter and you can have a good relationship.

Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear that your are struggling with this.

but what is your husband doing about this behaviour, he should be supporting you and ignoring her when she rejects you when you are only trying to be her mother. It sounds like he is kinda liking the fact she is playing you off against him. and that would make me very cranky if my husband wasn't supporting me in this effort.

I think its worth speaking to a professional, fair enough to be a daddy's girl but this sounds too extreme. to me it does sound like a behaviour problem such as asbergers "mild autism" which is what my brother has they can become very obsessive with a particular person, activity, tv show etc to the fact it takes over their life.

In the mean time you need to talk to your husband about how your really feeling and insist its not just a phase.

Thanks to all who have replyed...and yes I certainly will be taking the advice I've been given and talking with my HV after the holidays and I will also have another chat with my husband and point out the difference between a phase and a long term behaviour! As has been said, my husband does love the attention he gets, I do wonder if sometimes he dismisses my concerns because he loves being the favourite parent - must be a nice feeling! I guess I find the concept that she might have something like ADHD /Aspergers hard to believe because surely she would exhibit that in other ways, in other places, with other people...?? I don't want to be quick to stick labels on her. My feeling is she's got into this pattern of behaviour for some reason or another - probably something silly at the time, no idea what, but perhaps it established how she is with me and I haven't done enough or the right thing to put it back on course...I don't want to blame her, she's only 3 years old, I have to look at myself first. I do look at her with others and feel such a pang in my heart because I don't get to have that little girl, I feel I'm missing out on so much! She's MY GIRL but it doesn't feel like that...I just wish I meant more to her (maybe I do, but she has a funny way of showing it! )...as I said, we have good days, good patches and although it's still far from how I want it, I'd say she's getting better with me over time rather than worse, I think we have peaked and now we're inching towards something better, but at times it feels like 3 steps forward, 1 step back...I'll see what the HV says and let you know....thanks again for all the kind words and helpful advice, I'll get there!!!

Oh Selena, this is a heartbreaking situation. I'm glad to hear that u keep showing her that u love her, it must b v difficult at times, with the rejection. I agree with the advice given, talk to a gp or psychologist and see if u can explain the extent of her behaviour/ your feelings to DH. Good luck. Hugs

Letting him read this is a good idea and a great starting point to break the ice with him. You sound like a wonderful loving mum and anyone of us would be heartbroken too if it was happening to us, you are very strong.

I think a professional point in the right direction is all you need and I am pretty sure that you will be able to turn your daughter around with the right knowledge and tools which is what counselling can do for you.

I will keep you posted, thanks so much for the support...my daughter just came to me to remind me about bringing the flasks with us today (nevermind lol), I said thanks for being such a helpful girl and gave her a kiss before she could stop me hehehe She did smile, then I carried on with what I'd been doing, didn't want to spoil the moment by pushing too much...we'll get there and a chat with the HV is at the top of my to do list for 2012, that and talking to my husband...here's to a better 2012, I will let you all know how I get on, I feel better after this thread, it's helped a lot to get it out there and I hope I can report good progress as the year goes on, thanks so much all! S x