Hi all
I know I am new here and dont want to ruffle any feathers from the start but I have been mulling this question over & over in my mind for sometime now
Let me give a quick background,I am 40+ and having my 3rd baby naturally conceived after many failed IVF attempts.I had given up! I have 2 other children form a previous relationship.My first is a 10 yr old girl, her father was present in the delivery room,he basically obstructed everything and anything & everytime I voiced concern he would tell the midwives that as I was an Rn I was too knoweldgeable and therefore just stressed,result? my daughter spent 2 weeks in neonatal intensive care afetr an emergency cesarean and 3 cardiac arrests.With our son he did not come,my son was a successful vaginal natural delivery (VBAC) and breastfed with no issues for 3 and half years.I felt incredibly empowered and my bond with my son remains strong 8 years later.I despite the pain etc enjoyed labouring with my son and giving birth to him,I was calm relaxed ,in control of my contractions,aware of his progress and felt incredibly spiritual in my femaleness and so in tune of myself as a woman and yes very much an earth mother.Nothing can compare.No constant whispers in my ear,no exortations of pushing, etc.I must add that when in pain and when in labour I do not want to be touched ,massaged,spoken to,encouraged etc I do not scream or yell,I dont swear or any of the behaviour seen on popular movies.Basically I quietly focus and just get on with my own visual techniques of pain control.I am now pregnant at my ripe old age again and obviously given my previous experiences I am more set in my ways,and views and expectations.My problem? My husband the father of this child is a midwife,yep believe it or not . I really dont want him there and the thing is he acts as if its a given that he is there.Now before I experienced childbirth without father being present like everyone else I thought yep dad should be there.But now I dont,I believe it is women's business and that it is my right as a woman to choose whether the father is present or not,it is not society's right.I find that this expectation that men be there disempowering of women and invasive of childbirth as a woman's role as a mother.I think women have a right to labour without the presence of the fathers and that right has been taken from them,many that I speak to feel that they have to have the father present because it is expected and once again is taking away control from the woman.I dont feel the need to have my husband present to what to me is essentially a private episode and a private physical function between myself and the child.I guess my husband's response to my question last night "because its my right" did not help matters at all and once again re inforces the male domination and erosion of women's rights and the loss of yet another of these.This is my personal opinion which has evolved over 10 years of motherhood and I mean no offence to any one else male or female what do others think?

I'm a nurse too and can understand your concerns. I had to have a ceaser due to a partial placenta previa and had to have my husband there because I am terrified of being on the other side of things. But in your case I would sit hubby down and tell him that you are not sure of having him there as he may over step the boundaries. In this case he is the Dad not the Midwife and will need to accept that. The question is can he?

I cant imagine DF not being there... I would never take that right away from him. He has just the right to be there as I do! Its OUR child, not mine.

JMO

I think with enough communication and preparation, you could have him there. He just needs to know EXACTLY what you require of him. In no uncertain terms he needs to know his boundaries.

If you communicate properly, there's no reason as to why he can't be a part of his child's birth.

I do think he has a right to be there if he wants, but as someone else said, he needs to understand that he is there as Dad not as a midwife. But you also have the right not to be touched or talked to if you don't want, and if you would rather him just be a quiet presence then he should respect that.

I think it is a good thing that society now expects men to be part of childbirth- once they weren't, and they also weren't involved in child rearing. I think the more gender equality in child up bringing the better, and that starts with the father being able to witness the birth.

For me I think.......that i prefer my DH to be there for the birth.... I have had 4 c-sections and he has been there for 3 out of 4.

I feel that it allows him to to have that first bonding experience that i also get when our baby is presented to us as they are birthed.

It also gave me piece of mind knowing he was there to go with our baby back to the room, that he was there through every step of the birth.

The last time round he couldn't be there as our friend who we had organised to care for our other children had to work at the last minute...comes with the occupation unfortunately....so I went our last c-section alone.

I am a big girl so I still managed but it was a far different experience than the first three, it really felt empty in some ways.....i love our little man but he missed out on having his daddy there when he made his entrance into this world.......but they have worked hard over the last twelve months and have an amazing bond anyway.

Even DH feels ripped off that he wasn't there and very guilty.....a guilt he says he will carry for the rest of his days...no matter how much convincing i try he still feels that way.

I am with the others on that they helped to create them and they are going to help raise them, they should also be allowed to be there when they enter the world.

if i was him id get a court order saying he could be there.
how can you say he cant be there for the birth when the child is 1/2 his
the child wouldnt be brought into this world if it wasnt for him!

Wow I could have written that myself well apart from the details of your life lol!

I too would have preferred to just birth on my own in a field somewhere lol!

With my first DD my EX husband was there and stopping me from showering and also being obstructive. with my second DD he told me he did not want to be present as he hated the first birth I was so happy!

With 3rd DD mine and DH's first child together I really didn't want him there either but she was born at home after a 15 minute labour so he delivered her...he was so wonderful I would not have wanted it any other way..

With 4th DD he rushed me to the hospital and she was born about 15 mins after arriving and he just did what was required and was not obstructive at all. He was once again wonderful!

The difference between my DH and yours is mine would be OK if I said I wanted to do it on my own.. But you have a real dilemma I think maybe coming to a compromise. Do you labour for long? Maybe you could labour on your own then when it is getting to pushing stage he could be called in?? But I agree with the other replies I think you really need to communicate to your DH..

Good Luck!!!!

Personally I couldn't imagine NOT having my DH at the birth of my children.

Not only does DH have the right, but he wanted to be there! You wouldn't have been able to keep him away with a ten foot pole! And if for some reason I didn't want him there, he would have been devestated...

My DH came to all of my hospital appointments when I was pregnant with both bubs, he was sooo excited and interested in it all, and during labour/birth he was the BEST support ever. Like MG mentioned, we had lots of very special moments together in the birthing suite...and having our children has brought us so much closer, and our relationship has gone to a whole new level.

Just my opinion....but giving birth to my children were the two most incredible moments in my life, our life, and I am so glad I was able to share this with my DH...I wouldn't have had it any other way!

As for the business end ( ) DH swore he wouldn't be looking down there, but sure enough he watched both of our children come into the world!!! And he said it was the most amazing thing ever!! I lost a heap of blood with jack and had an awful tare, but nothing bothered him

Did your DH complain and whinge at every hospital appointment Shell? Mine did!! He insisted on coming to each and every one but ***ed the whole time because we had to wait for at least an hour (you know what Mercy's like )

hehe